George Carlin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old george carlin quotes, george carlin sayings, and george carlin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that.      

George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.      

George Carlin

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.     

George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.     

George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.     

George Carlin

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.     

George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.     

George Carlin

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.     

George Carlin

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.     

George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.     

George Carlin

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach then to question everything.     

George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity     

George Carlin

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.     

George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.     

George Carlin

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.     

George Carlin

What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around – that's his job     

George Carlin

We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.     

George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.     

George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.     

George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.     

George Carlin

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.     

George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.     

George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.     

George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.     

George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.     

George Carlin

I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on.     

George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.     

George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.     

George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.     

George Carlin

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.     

George Carlin