Groucho Marx Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old groucho marx quotes, groucho marx sayings, and groucho marx proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.     

Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.     

Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.     

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.     

Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.     

Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.     

Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.     

Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho Marx

A man is as young as the woman he feels.     

Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.     

Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.     

Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.     

Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Have a Great Monday!

Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.     

Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.     

Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.     

Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?     

Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.     

Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?     

Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho Marx