Phyllis Diller Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old phyllis diller quotes, phyllis diller sayings, and phyllis diller proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.     

Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.     

Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.     

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.     

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.     

Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.     

Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.     

Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.     

Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.     

Phyllis Diller

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.     

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.     

Phyllis Diller

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.     

Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.     

Phyllis Diller

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.     

Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.     

Phyllis Diller

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream i dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.     

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.     

Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.     

Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.     

Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.     

Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.     

Phyllis Diller

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.     

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.     

Phyllis Diller

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.     

Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.     

Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.     

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.     

Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.     

Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.     

Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets things straight.     

Phyllis Diller