Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield

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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too Rodney Dangerfield

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield

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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. Rodney Dangerfield

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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield

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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. Rodney Dangerfield

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield

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I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield

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My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. Rodney Dangerfield

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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. Rodney Dangerfield

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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, wait til it gets warmer. Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield

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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Rodney Dangerfield

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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! Rodney Dangerfield

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. Rodney Dangerfield

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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife wants sex in the back of the car, and she wants me to drive. Rodney Dangerfield

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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. Rodney Dangerfield

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