Woody Allen Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old woody allen quotes, woody allen sayings, and woody allen proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.     

Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.      

Woody Allen

Difficult times always create opportunities for you to experience more love in your life.     

Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.     

Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.     

Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.     

Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.     

Woody Allen

When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.     

Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.     

Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.     

Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.     

Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.     

Woody Allen

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.     

Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.     

Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.     

Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.     

Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.     

Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?     

Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.     

Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.     

Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.     

Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.     

Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.     

Woody Allen

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?     

Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.     

Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.     

Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.     

Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.     

Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.     

Woody Allen

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.     

Woody Allen