Funny Dad Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny dad quotes, funny dad sayings, and funny dad proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.

Chris Martin

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Dave Barry

Lately all my friends are worried that they're turning into their fathers. I'm worried that I'm not.

Dan Zevin

My wife just let me know I'm about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids.

Brian Kiley

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

My sisters and I can still recite Dad's grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.     

Connie Schultz

I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.

George W. Bush

I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime.

Bruce Cameron

My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Harry Hill

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Jerry Seinfeld

I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors.

Hilary Price

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope.     

Bill Cosby

Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.     

Margaret Mead

I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer's, he remembers the important things. He can't remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him.     

Thyra Lees-Smith

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.     

Spike Milligan

When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape.

Dave Attell

My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people.

Dominic Dierkes

My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.

Glenn Super

Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always works.

Shahrukh Khan

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.     

Jack Handey

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Bob Monkhouse

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Martin Mull

To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

Ernest Hemingway

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.     

Al Unser

There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.

Jim Gaffigan

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.     

Red Buttons

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Eugene Mirman

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Jon Stewart