Funny Dad Sayings and Quotes

Moms may get all the glory, but it could be argued that dads have more fun. Their direction skills are no match for GPS and their humor is legendary. Remember what makes your dad awesome with the collection of funny dad quotes below.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. Bill Cosby
To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway
There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep. Jim Gaffigan
My daughter got me a World's Best Dad mug. So we know she's sarcastic. Bob Odenkirk
Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. Chris Martin
Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. Dave Barry
Lately all my friends are worried that they're turning into their fathers. I'm worried that I'm not. Dan Zevin
My wife just let me know I'm about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids. Brian Kiley
My sisters and I can still recite Dad's grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1. Connie Schultz
I gave my father $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner
I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war. George W. Bush
I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime. Bruce Cameron
My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade. Harry Hill
I asked my dad for a BB gun, but he said we were a tribe of worriers, not warriors. Hilary Price
Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents. Margaret Mead
I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer's, he remembers the important things. He can't remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him. Thyra Lees-Smith
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. Spike Milligan
When you're young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape. Dave Attell
My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people. Dominic Dierkes
My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football, and my father tried to get a free x-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. Glenn Super
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Martin Mull
Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows. Al Unser
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart
If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly. Cathy Ladman
I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield
Whenever I fail as a father or husband, a toy and a diamond always works. Shahrukh Khan
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. Bob Monkhouse
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. Eugene Mirman
A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be. Frank A. Clark
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. Bill Cosby
The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get. Tim Russert
A father carries pictures where his money used to be. unknown
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, My dad can beat up your dad. I'd say Yeah? When? Bill Hicks
That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all. August Strindberg
When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, Daddy, will you take me to the zoo? He answered, If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you. Jerry Lewis