Funny Divorce Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny divorce quotes, funny divorce sayings, and funny divorce proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

Helen Rowland

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Johnny Carson

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.     

Woody Allen

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.     

James Caan

Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language.

Austin Elliot

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.

Dave Barry

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death.     

Heinrich Heine

There are four stages in a marriage. First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.

Norman Mailer

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.     

Jack Benny

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it.     

Willie Nelson

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.     

Jimmy Fallon

Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.

Gerald F. Lieberman

I'd marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead in a year.

Bette Davis

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.     

Margaret Atwood

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

John Kenneth Galbraith

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.     

Zsa Zsa Gabor

A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.

Marvin Mitchelson

Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise.

Paul Coleridge

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.     

Mary Kay Blakely

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Woody Allen

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.     

Woody Allen

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.

Mike Tyson

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.

Jean Kerr

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.

Robert Anderson

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

Lee Trevino

She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.     

Tommy Manville

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.

Maura Kennedy

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.     

Lord Chesterfield

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.     

J. B. Handelsman