Funny Drinking Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny drinking quotes, funny drinking sayings, and funny drinking proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy. William Faulkner
Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. G.K. Chesterton
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough. James Thurber
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. Ernest Hemingway
Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life. F. Scott Fitzgerald
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. Benjamin Franklin
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. William Butler Yeats
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. Humphrey Bogart
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, That's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
I try to convince myself that it's the alcohol talking. But alcohol can't talk. It just sits there. It can't even get itself out of the bottle. David Levithan
This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought. Samuel Johnson
A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world. Louis Pasteur
There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others. Raymond Chandler
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn't afterward. Frank Lloyd Wright
One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough. Edward Burke
Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little. Herman Smith-Johannsen
Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. Joan Collins
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm
There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. Bette Davis
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. Tom Waits
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman
The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies. William Temple
Better belly burst than good liquor be lost. Jonathan Swift
I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway
There are more old drunkards than old physicians. Bernard Shaw
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. W.C. Fields
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. Frank Sinatra
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. F. Scott Fitzgerald
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk. Charlie Chaplin
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication. Lord Byron
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. Lady Nancy Astor
Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. Steve Martin
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Steve Fergosi
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. Francois Rabelais
Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow. John Fletcher
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin
He that drinks fast, pays slow. Benjamin Franklin
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Steven Wright
I know I should give up drinking; but I am not a quitter unknown
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. Jack Handy
Either give me more wine or leave me alone. Rumi
I am a drinker with writing problems. Brendan Behan
No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. John Churchill
Good people drink good beer. Hunter S. Thompson
We drink and we die and continue to drink. Dennis Leary
I get no kick from champagne, / Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, / So tell me why should it be true / That I get a kick out of you. Cole Poter
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. George Best
Alcohol...enables parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. George Bernard Shaw
I have a rare intolerance to herbs which means I can only drink fermented liquids, such as gin. Julie Walters
It was my uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of medical thought. P.G. Wodehouse
And he that will go to bed sober, Falls with the leaf still in October. John Fletcher
Best while you have u have it use your breath, There is no drinking after death. John Fletcher
We drink one another's healths and spoil our own. Jerome K. Jerome
Claret is the liquor for boys; port, for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy. Samuel Johnson
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake— which I also keep handy. W.C. Fields
Unfortunately, one of the by-products of drinking alcohol is not increased self-awareness; hence. the difficulty in letting a drinker know that he has had enough, that she has a drinking problem, or that he should not get behind the wheel of that car, especially if the car is still in the showroom. Will & Grace
My daddy, he'd walk forty miles for liquor but not forty inches for kindness. Cold Mountain
The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. Mignon McLaughlin
I drink too much. The last time I give a urine sample, it has an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield
I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less either. Elsie (While You Were Sleeping)
When it comes to drunks, we do our best because we would hope for and expect the same from our friends. Sometimes— okay, make that most of the time— things get a little messy, but that doesn't mean they can't get a little funny,too. Will & Grace
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Ellis
Work is the curse of the drinking classes Oscar Wilde
I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host. Dorothy Parker
Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right. F. Scott Fitzgerald
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine Zandonella
Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast. Compton Mackenzie
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller
Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat! Eleanor Early
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Henny Youngman
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets. Dudley Moore
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven! Brian O'Rourke