Funny Golf Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny golf quotes, funny golf sayings, and funny golf proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.

Don Adams

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.     

Dave Hill

Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.

P.G. Wodehouse

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

Billy Graham

Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.

Brent Musberger

Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.

Gerald Ford

Over the years, I've studied the habits of golfers. I know what to look for. Watch their eyes. Fear shows up when there is an enlargement of the pupils. Big pupils lead to big scores.

Sam Snead

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

Harry Vardon

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.

David Brenner

Most people play a fair game of golf, If you watch them.

Joey Adams

The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it.

Jack Burke

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

Jim Bishop

The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.

Mickey Mantle

Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.     

Ted Ray

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

James Murray

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Dave Barry

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.     

Gerald Ford

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.     

Dean Martin

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

H G Wells

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

Jeff Foxworthy

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.

Paul Gallico

Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five.

Paul Harvey

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.     

Gardner Dickinson

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.

Chuck Hogan

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.     

Mark Twain

If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.

Joey Adams

The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.

Ben Hogan

Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine.

Jim Murray