Funny Life Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny life quotes, funny life sayings, and funny life proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too     

Rodney Dangerfield

Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.

Billie Burke

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Jimmy Durante

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.     

Steven Wright

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment.

Rudyh

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.     

Albert Einstein

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.

Fakeer Ishavardas

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

Bob Hope

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.     

Criss Jami

You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Hannah Marks

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

Karon Waddell

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.     

Sam Levenson

The fact that we're all different is the one thing we all have in common.

Justin Young

You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!!

Kay-Ann

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.     

Kyle Chandler

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter

Mark Twain

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience     

Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

You may not always end up where you thought you were going, But you will always end up where you were meant to be.     

Jessica taylor

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He`s a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.     

Charles M. Schulz

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.

Joe Girard

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion

Fred Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Charles M. Schulz

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

Criss Jami