Funny Marriage Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny marriage quotes, funny marriage sayings, and funny marriage proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.     

Billy Connolly

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.

Richard Pryor

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.     

Evelyn Hendrickson

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.

Albert Einstein

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Michel de Montaigne

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.     

Elbert Hubbard

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

Raymond Hull

The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.

Ratna Deep

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.     

Benjamin Franklin

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

Helen Rowland

Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!

Zeenat Essa

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.

Oscar Wilde

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.     

G. K. Chesterton

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.     

Helen Rowland

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

Doug Larson

Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.

Rama Kochhar

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.     

Ogden Nash

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

John Wilmot

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho Marx

Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.     

Rory Elder

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henry Youngman

Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week.

Christie Cook

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.     

Ogden Nash

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

Wendy Liebman

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Mickey Rooney

Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.     

Riaz Nassurally

All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up.     

Amy Schumer

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