Funny Parenting Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny parenting quotes, funny parenting sayings, and funny parenting proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.     

Maurice Johnston

Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.     

Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.     

Phyllis Diller

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Erma Bombeck

Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too.

Lionel Kauffman

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

David Frost

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Erma Bombeck

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Louis C. K.

I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.

Brian Andreas

Parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Bill Cosby

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Do your kids a favor-don't have any.     

Robert Orben

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner.

Ben Bergor

To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: when you have a kid don't look at it for the first two years.

Ernest Hemingway

24/7 – Once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer.

Jodi Picoult

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Erma Bombeck

What is a home without children. Quiet.

Henny Youngman

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children.

Susan Savannah

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; Now I have six children and no theories.

John Wilmot

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Clarence Day

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P.J. O’Rourke

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Phyllis Diller

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.     

Paul Reiser

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.     

Ralph Emerson

Men should always change diapers. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.

Chris Martin

Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.     

Peter Ustinov

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.     

Doug Larson

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.

Ed Asner

Having children is like living in a frat house, nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.     

Ray Romano

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.     

Ogden Nash