Funny Sayings and Quotes
Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
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The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
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That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
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Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
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Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?
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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
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Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
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Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
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Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
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The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
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Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
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As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight
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Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
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Puns are the highest form of literature.
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Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.