Funny Thanksgiving Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny thanksgiving quotes, funny thanksgiving sayings, and funny thanksgiving proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?     

Jim Gaffigan

Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.     

Just Bill

How to cut a turkey the Republican way: give 1% of your guests 99% of the meat.     

Andy Borowitz

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.     

Russell Baker

I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.     

Damien Fahey

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.     

Phyllis Diller

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.     

Jon Stewart

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!     

David Letterman

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.     

Jay Leno

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.     

Rita Rudner

On this Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys.     

Anonymous

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying that smells good to be helping.     

Jimmy Fallon

Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?     

Kenny Rogerson

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.     

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.     

Stephen Colbert

We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.     

George Carlin

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.     

Kevin James

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving.     

Erma Bombeck

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.     

Irv Kupcinet

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.     

Kin Hubbard

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.     

Johnny Carson

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.     

Phyllis Diller

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.     

Dylan Brody

I dropped the turkey after rubbing olive oil all over it. I rinsed it off, rubbed the oil on again, and cooked it. Didn't tell anybody for 10 years... I just told them last year. Oh well, it didn't kill anybody or make them sick!     

Debbie K. Jefferson