Hilarious Sayings and Quotes

We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. If you’re in need of some giggles, you’ve come to the right place. Below we’ve compiled a collection of the most hilarious quotes to tickle your funny bone.


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.      

Steven Wright

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.     

Erma Bombeck

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.     

Richard Jeni

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.     

Fred Allen

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.     

Agatha Christie

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.     

Jackie Mason

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.     

Bob Monkhouse

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.     

Will Ferrell

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.     

Socrates

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.     

Dave Barry

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.     

Groucho Marx

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.     

Dennis Miller

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.     

Fred Allen

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.      

Frank Sinatra

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.     

Woody Allen

Where there's a will, there's a relative.     

Ricky Gervais

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.     

Homer Simpson

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.     

Ralph Bus

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.     

Steve Martin

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.     

Will Rogers

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.     

Stanley Randall

My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.     

Sarah Silverman

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.     

Rodney Dangerfield

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.     

Helen Rowland

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.     

Henny Youngman

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?     

Robin Williams

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.     

Demetri Martin

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.     

Oscar Wilde

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.     

Steve Martin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.     

Lana Turner