Dave Barry Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old dave barry quotes, dave barry sayings, and dave barry proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.     

Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.     

Dave Barry

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'     

Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.     

Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.     

Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.     

Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.     

Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.     

Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.     

Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.     

Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.     

Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.     

Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.     

Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.     

Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.     

Dave Barry

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.     

Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.     

Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.     

Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.     

Dave Barry

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.     

Dave Barry

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.     

Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.     

Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.     

Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.     

Dave Barry

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.     

Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.     

Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.     

Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.     

Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.     

Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.     

Dave Barry