Dave Barry Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old Dave Barry quotes, Dave Barry sayings, and Dave Barry proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.'

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Dave Barry
Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing. Dave Barry
Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on. Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Dave Barry
Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music. Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Dave Barry
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Dave Barry
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions. Dave Barry
Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities. Dave Barry
Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as "Here, boy!" Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Dave Barry
Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful. Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. Dave Barry
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. Dave Barry
Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a 'type of weevil.' Dave Barry
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests Dave Barry
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed. Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Dave Barry
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?" Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. Dave Barry
Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road. Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings. Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry