Demetri Martin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old demetri martin quotes, demetri martin sayings, and demetri martin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.     

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.     

Demetri Martin

Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.     

Demetri Martin

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.     

Demetri Martin

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.     

Demetri Martin

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.     

Demetri Martin

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.     

Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.     

Demetri Martin

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.     

Demetri Martin

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.     

Demetri Martin

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.     

Demetri Martin

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.     

Demetri Martin

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.     

Demetri Martin

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.     

Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.     

Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.     

Demetri Martin

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.     

Demetri Martin

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.     

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.     

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.     

Demetri Martin

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.      

Demetri Martin

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.      

Demetri Martin

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.     

Demetri Martin

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.     

Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.     

Demetri Martin

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.     

Demetri Martin

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch French fries.     

Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.      

Demetri Martin

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.      

Demetri Martin

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.     

Demetri Martin