Erma Bombeck Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old erma bombeck quotes, erma bombeck sayings, and erma bombeck proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


It is not until you become a mother than your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.     

Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important.     

Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.     

Erma Bombeck

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.      

Erma Bombeck

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.     

Erma Bombeck

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.     

Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend and he's a priest.     

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.     

Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment . Remember all those women who waved off the dessert cart on the Titanic.     

Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.     

Erma Bombeck

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.     

Erma Bombeck

Every puppy should have a boy.     

Erma Bombeck

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.     

Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.     

Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.     

Erma Bombeck

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.     

Erma Bombeck

Sex is only a three-letter word so how can it be dirty?     

Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.     

Erma Bombeck

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.     

Erma Bombeck

I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.     

Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.     

Erma Bombeck

Laugh now, cry later.     

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.     

Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.     

Erma Bombeck

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.     

Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.     

Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.     

Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.     

Erma Bombeck

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving.     

Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.     

Erma Bombeck