George Carlin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old george carlin quotes, george carlin sayings, and george carlin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Weather forecast for tonight: dark.     

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.     

George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.     

George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.     

George Carlin

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?     

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.     

George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.     

George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.     

George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.     

George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.     

George Carlin

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.     

George Carlin

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.     

George Carlin

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.     

George Carlin

Your home is your refuge.     

George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.     

George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.     

George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.     

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.     

George Carlin

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.     

George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.     

George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.     

George Carlin

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.      

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.     

George Carlin

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?     

George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.     

George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.     

George Carlin

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?     

George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.     

George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that.     

George Carlin

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.     

George Carlin