George Carlin Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old george carlin quotes, george carlin sayings, and george carlin proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.     

George Carlin

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.     

George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?     

George Carlin

I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.      

George Carlin

And he won't be allowed to play dodgeball because it's exclusionary, and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still okay.     

George Carlin

It's the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving a problem; it's called declaring a war. We got a war on poverty, the war on crime, war on litter, the war on cancer, the war on drugs.      

George Carlin

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.     

George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.     

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.     

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.     

George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.     

George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.     

George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.     

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?     

George Carlin

Even volleyball is racquet-less team ping pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table.     

George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.     

George Carlin

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.'     

George Carlin

An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.     

George Carlin

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.     

George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.     

George Carlin

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?     

George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.     

George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.     

George Carlin