Henny Youngman Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old henny youngman quotes, henny youngman sayings, and henny youngman proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.     

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.     

Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet.     

Henny Youngman

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.     

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret     

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.     

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.     

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.     

Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.     

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.     

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.     

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.     

Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.     

Henny Youngman

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.     

Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.     

Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.     

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.     

Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.     

Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.     

Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!     

Henny Youngman

What is a home without children. Quiet.     

Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.     

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains… a secret.     

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.     

Henny Youngman

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.     

Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.     

Henny Youngman