Jerry Seinfeld Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old jerry seinfeld quotes, jerry seinfeld sayings, and jerry seinfeld proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.     

Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.     

Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.     

Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.     

Jerry Seinfeld

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.     

Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'     

Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here they are here to replace us.     

Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything which as you know, always leads to something cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.     

Jerry Seinfeld

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.     

Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?     

Jerry Seinfeld

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.     

Jerry Seinfeld

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.      

Jerry Seinfeld

Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final decision on where your lips end.     

Jerry Seinfeld

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.     

Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.     

Jerry Seinfeld