Jim Gaffigan Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old jim gaffigan quotes, jim gaffigan sayings, and jim gaffigan proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I'm not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!     

Jim Gaffigan

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.     

Jim Gaffigan

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?     

Jim Gaffigan

There should be a children's song: If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.     

Jim Gaffigan

Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.     

Jim Gaffigan

There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.     

Jim Gaffigan

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.     

Jim Gaffigan

Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.     

Jim Gaffigan

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.     

Jim Gaffigan

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.     

Jim Gaffigan

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.     

Jim Gaffigan

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.     

Jim Gaffigan

A hammock. It’s like a giant net for catching lazy people .     

Jim Gaffigan

Without Valentine's Day, February would be...well, January.     

Jim Gaffigan

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.     

Jim Gaffigan

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?     

Jim Gaffigan

Be more assertive with what you want to do.     

Jim Gaffigan