Joan Rivers Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old joan rivers quotes, joan rivers sayings, and joan rivers proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I look like without plastic surgery.     

Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.     

Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.     

Joan Rivers

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.     

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.     

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'     

Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.     

Joan Rivers

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.     

Joan Rivers

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.     

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.     

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.     

Joan Rivers

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.     

Joan Rivers

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.     

Joan Rivers

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.      

Joan Rivers

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.     

Joan Rivers

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.     

Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to tupperware.     

Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.     

Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.      

Joan Rivers

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.     

Joan Rivers

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.     

Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.     

Joan Rivers

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.     

Joan Rivers

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.     

Joan Rivers

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.     

Joan Rivers

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.     

Joan Rivers