Johnny Carson Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old johnny carson quotes, johnny carson sayings, and johnny carson proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.      

Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.     

Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.     

Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.     

Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.     

Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.     

Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.     

Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.     

Johnny Carson

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.     

Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.     

Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.     

Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.     

Johnny Carson

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.     

Johnny Carson

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.     

Johnny Carson

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.     

Johnny Carson

When turkeys mate they think of swans.     

Johnny Carson

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.     

Johnny Carson

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.     

Johnny Carson

Desire! That’s the one secret of every man’s career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.     

Johnny Carson

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.     

Johnny Carson