Mark Twain Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old mark twain quotes, mark twain sayings, and mark twain proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.     

Mark Twain

Whiskey is for drinking; water is for fighting over.     

Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.     

Mark Twain

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.     

Mark Twain

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.     

Mark Twain

There was a great difference in boats, of course. For a long time I was on a boat that was so slow we used to forget what year it was we left port in.     

Mark Twain

One ought always to lie, when one can do good by it.     

Mark Twain

It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise.     

Mark Twain

Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value.     

Mark Twain

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.     

Mark Twain

The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious. And why shouldn't it be? it is the same the angels breathe.     

Mark Twain

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.     

Mark Twain

An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.     

Mark Twain

They did not know it was impossible so they did it.     

Mark Twain

Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.     

Mark Twain

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.     

Mark Twain

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.     

Mark Twain

A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.     

Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.     

Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself.     

Mark Twain

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.     

Mark Twain

The only reason why God created man is because he was disappointed with the monkey.     

Mark Twain

In discarding the monkey and substituting man, our Father in Heaven did the monkey an undeserved injustice.     

Mark Twain

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.     

Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.     

Mark Twain

A baby is an inestimable blessing and a bother.      

Mark Twain

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.     

Mark Twain

Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.     

Mark Twain

The symbol of the race ought to be a human being carrying an ax, for every human being has one concealed about him somewhere, and is always seeking the opportunity to grind it.     

Mark Twain

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.     

Mark Twain