Mitch Hedberg Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old mitch hedberg quotes, mitch hedberg sayings, and mitch hedberg proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.     

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.     

Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.     

Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!     

Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!     

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!     

Mitch Hedberg

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.     

Mitch Hedberg

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.     

Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.     

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.     

Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.     

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.     

Mitch Hedberg

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at.     

Mitch Hedberg

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"     

Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.     

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.     

Mitch Hedberg

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.     

Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.     

Mitch Hedberg

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.     

Mitch Hedberg

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.     

Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.     

Mitch Hedberg

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.     

Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.     

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So, I got a cake!     

Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of following my dreams man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later.     

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.     

Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.     

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.     

Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.     

Mitch Hedberg