Stephen Colbert Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old stephen colbert quotes, stephen colbert sayings, and stephen colbert proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?     

Stephen Colbert

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.     

Stephen Colbert

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.     

Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.     

Stephen Colbert

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.     

Stephen Colbert

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?     

Stephen Colbert

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics.     

Stephen Colbert

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.     

Stephen Colbert

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.     

Stephen Colbert

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.     

Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.     

Stephen Colbert

Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed, and you're not some loser. But just as importantly—and this is the part I may not get right and you may not listen to—if you do get your dream, you are not a winner.     

Stephen Colbert

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?     

Stephen Colbert

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.     

Stephen Colbert

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?      

Stephen Colbert

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!     

Stephen Colbert

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.      

Stephen Colbert

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive.      

Stephen Colbert

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.     

Stephen Colbert

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.     

Stephen Colbert

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.     

Stephen Colbert