Steven Wright Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old steven wright quotes, steven wright sayings, and steven wright proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.


Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.     

Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.     

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.     

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.     

Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?     

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.     

Steven Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'     

Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?     

Steven Wright

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.      

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.     

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.     

Steven Wright

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.     

Steven Wright

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?     

Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.     

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.     

Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, 'But I don't know how. She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said i thought I told you to go to sleep.     

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.     

Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.     

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.     

Steven Wright

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.     

Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.     

Steven Wright

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.     

Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.     

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.     

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.     

Steven Wright

In school they told me Practice makes perfect. And then they told me Nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing.     

Steven Wright

The speed of time is one second per second.     

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.     

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.     

Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.     

Steven Wright