Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous
old Steven Wright quotes, Steven Wright sayings, and Steven Wright proverbs, collected over the years from a variety
of sources.'
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Steven Wright
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When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Steven Wright
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Steven Wright
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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.Steven Wright
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Steven Wright
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When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?Steven Wright
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.Steven Wright
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You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.Steven Wright
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I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.Steven Wright
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I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.Steven Wright
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Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? Steven Wright
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They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.Steven Wright
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?Steven Wright
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The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.Steven Wright
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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?Steven Wright