Funny Christmas Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny christmas quotes, funny christmas sayings, and funny christmas proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.     

Bernard Manning

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.     

Dave Barry

That's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.     

Jerry Seinfeld

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.     

Phyllis Diller

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?     

Matt Groening

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.     

Joan Rivers

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly.     

Andy Rooney

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm and we all go through it together.     

Garrison Keillor

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.     


Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.     

Dave Barry

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.     

Bridger Winegar

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.     

Johnny Carson

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.     

Larry Wilde

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.     

Dave Barry

Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.     

Johnny Carson

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.     

Shirley Temple

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.     

Victor Borge

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'.     

Robert Paul

My husband bought fruitcake one year. He ate some of it, but I wrapped the rest and gave it back to him for Christmas. The next year, I found it amongst my presents from him. It developed from there.     

Rikki Rosenberg

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.     

Dennis Miller

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.     

Dave Barry

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.     

Andy Borowitz

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.     

Earthman Adam

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.     

Robert Godden

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want--and their kids pay for it.     

Richard Lamm

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.     

Jay Leno

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.     

Henny Youngman