Funny Marriage Sayings and Quotes

Marriage takes lots of work, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find the humor in it. Like any relationship dynamic, marriage has its quirks. Get a good laugh with the collection of funny marriage quotes below.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.     

Richard Pryor

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.     

Will Ferrell

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.     

Billy Connolly

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.     

Evelyn Hendrickson

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.     

Albert Einstein

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.     

Michel de Montaigne

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.     

Rodney Dangerfield

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.     

Raymond Hull

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.     

Benjamin Franklin

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.     

Oscar Wilde

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.     

Helen Rowland

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.     

Wendy Liebman

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.     

Mickey Rooney

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.     

Jerry Seinfeld

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.     


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.     

Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.     

Winston Churchill

They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.     

Mae West

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes on tuesdays, I go Fridays.     

Henry Youngman

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.     

Elbert Hubbard

The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.     

Ratna Deep

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.     

Helen Rowland

Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!     

Zeenat Essa

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.     

G. K. Chesterton

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.     

Doug Larson

Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.     

Rama Kochhar

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.     

Ogden Nash

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.     

John Wilmot

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.     


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.     

Groucho Marx