Funny Mom Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny mom quotes, funny mom sayings, and funny mom proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too     


Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.     

Rita Rudner

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.     

Rodney Dangerfield

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'     

Paula Poundstone

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.     

Dorothy Parker

I know how to do anything I'm a mom.     

Roseanne Barr

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.     

Dave Barry

Nobody loves me but my mother, And she could be jivin' too.     

B. B. King

My mom's favorite Stevie Wonder song is, "I Just Called to Say Someone You Don't Know Has Cancer."     

Damien Fahey

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children.     

Susan Savannah

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.     

Tim Allen

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.     

Bob Monkhouse

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.     


Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.     

Robert A. Heinlein

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.     

Rita Rudner

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, 'But I don't know how. She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said i thought I told you to go to sleep.     

Steven Wright

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.     

Calvin Trillin

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.     

Oscar Wilde

I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!     

Ash Sweeney

The way I feel, if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, I've done my job.     

Roseanne Barr

Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.     

Ed Asner

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.     

Tina Fey

So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well.     

George W. Bush

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school.     


I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.     

Phyllis Diller

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.     

Kin Hubbard

It's not over until the fat lady sings, but even after she sings, packs up and goes home, my mom will still be saying goodbye to me on the phone.     

Just Lamenting

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.     

Erma Bombeck

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.     

Dave Barry

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.     

Jeff Shaw