Funny Parenting Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny parenting quotes, funny parenting sayings, and funny parenting proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. Maurice Johnston
Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too. Lionel Kauffman
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. David Frost
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. Erma Bombeck
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C. K.
I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. Brian Andreas
Parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. Bill Cosby
Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
Do your kids a favor-don't have any. Robert Orben
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner. Ben Bergor
To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: when you have a kid don't look at it for the first two years. Ernest Hemingway
24/7 – Once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer. Jodi Picoult
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck
What is a home without children. Quiet. Henny Youngman
If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children. Susan Savannah
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; Now I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. Clarence Day
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P.J. O'Rourke
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. Paul Reiser
A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. Ralph Emerson
Men should always change diapers. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. Chris Martin
Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth. Peter Ustinov
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. Doug Larson
Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare. Ed Asner
Having children is like living in a frat house, nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. Ray Romano
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, and that's what parents were created for. Ogden Nash
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. Beverly Jones
You can learn many things from chidren. How much patience you have for instance. Franklin P. Jones
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. Bill Vaughan
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. Bill Cosby
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television. Erma Bombeck
A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes. Russell Lynes
Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of. Bruce Lanskiy
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy. Michelle Pfeiffer
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry
Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. Joyce Armor
Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids. Sam Levenson
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Phyllis Diller
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. Roseanne Barr
The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents. Charles De Lint
I am not allowed to sing, dance, laugh or wear short skirts. Having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban. Kathy Lette
The truth is that parents aren't really interested in justice. They just want quiet. Bill Cosby
Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty. Julia Roberts
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. Erma Bombeck
Parents are not givers of jobs, or money tellers, or means to inheritance. They are givers of education, affection, sane principles and love. Vincenzo Berghella
Sons and daughters are protected not with money, but being examples of rectitude. Vincenzo Berghella
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they call it opportunity. Vincenzo Berghella
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Vincenzo Berghella
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. Oscar Wilde
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. Socrates
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book. Cicero
Parents should leave books lying around marked 'forbidden' if they want their children to read. Doris Lessing
Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. Lionel Kauffman
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. Ralph Bus
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. Barbara Kingsolver
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. John Plomp
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. Laurence Housman
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. (Rude children belong strictly to their mothers.) Judith Martin
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin.' Lillian Carter
You see much more of your children once they leave home. Lucille Ball
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. Quentin Crisp
A small boy is a noise with dirt on it. Tom Corr
If there were no schools to take the children from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. Edgar W. Howe
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. Ralph Waldo Emerson
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it. Mona Crane
There is no such thing as a tough child. If you parboil them first for seven hours, they will always come out tended. W.C. Fields
If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires. Dorothy Parker
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby
The moment you have children yourself, you forgive your parents everything. Susan Hill
The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids. Jill Bensley
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. P.J. O'Rourke
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. Dr.Benjamin Spock
Any kid'll run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. Red Skelton
Familiarity breeds contempt, and children. Mark Twain
One hour with a child is like a ten-mile run. Joan Benoit Samuelson
Do not breed. Nothing gives less pleasure than childbearing. Pregnancies are damaging to health, spoil the figure, wither the charms, and it's the cloud of incertitude forever hanging over those events that darkens a husband's mood. Marquis De Sade
Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast drying out. Oscar Wilde