Funny Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny quotes, funny sayings, and funny proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.      

Steven Wright

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.     

Mark Twain

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.     

Elbert Hubbard

That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.     

Gloria Vanderbilt

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.     

Dennis Wholey

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.     


Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.     

Peter Ustinov

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.     

Sam Levenson

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.     

Henny Youngman

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.     

Cathy Guisewite

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?     

Robin Williams

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.     

Al McGuire

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.     

George Carlin

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.     

Will Rogers

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.     

Anthony Burgess

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.     

Dr. Seuss

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.     

James A. Garfield

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.     

Will Rogers

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.     

Charles Kettering

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.     

David Ogilvy

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.     

Ellen DeGeneres

As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.     

Norman Wisdom

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight     

Phyllis Diller

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.     

Laurell K. Hamilton

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.     

Alan Dundles

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.     

Steve Martin

Never miss a good chance to shut up.     

Will Rogers

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.     

Laurell K. Hamilton

Puns are the highest form of literature.     

Alfred Hitchcock

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.     

Paul Terry

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.     

Albert Einstein

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.     


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.     

Steven Wright