Funny Thanksgiving Sayings and Quotes

Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny thanksgiving quotes, funny thanksgiving sayings, and funny thanksgiving proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources.

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? Jim Gaffigan
Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped. Just Bill
How to cut a turkey the Republican way: give 1% of your guests 99% of the meat. Andy Borowitz
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status. Russell Baker
I'm looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. Damien Fahey
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Phyllis Diller
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! David Letterman
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. Jay Leno
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner
On this Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys. Anonymous
A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying that smells good to be helping. Jimmy Fallon
Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? Kenny Rogerson
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. Stephen Colbert
We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. George Carlin
Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. Kevin James
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving. Erma Bombeck
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. Kin Hubbard
Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. Johnny Carson
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Phyllis Diller
You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave. Dylan Brody
I dropped the turkey after rubbing olive oil all over it. I rinsed it off, rubbed the oil on again, and cooked it. Didn't tell anybody for 10 years... I just told them last year. Oh well, it didn't kill anybody or make them sick! Debbie K. Jefferson
We began to view Thanksgiving as just another paid holiday. Shari MacDonald
The observance of Thanksgiving Day had been derived from the Pilgrim Fathers. Robert Tracy McKenzie
I pray for you, that all your misgivings will be melted to thanksgivings. Jim Elliot
Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for -- annually, not oftener -- if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Mark Twain
Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man's side, consequently on the Lord's side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments. Mark Twain
The funny thing about Thanksgiving ,or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook,chop,braise and blanch. Then it's gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sortof in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up. Ted Allen
Thanksgiving-giving thanks in everything-prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ. Ann Voskamp
It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God. Ann Voskamp
Thanksgiving is the one thing God asks to be done in everything and always--- He knows what precedes the miracle. Ann Voskamp
America has developed a pie tradition unequivocally and unapologetically at the sweet end of the scale, and at no time is this better demonstrated than at Thanksgiving. Janet Clarkson
In 1863, Abraham Lincoln declared two Thanksgivings. One was held in August. The second, held in November, was to give thanks for the nation's blessings. This fall celebration caught on and has been a tradition ever since. Linda Bozzo
Thanksgiving has many symbols, including turkeys, Pilgrims, and pumpkins. The cornucopia or "horn of plenty", is a symbol for the Thanksgiving harvest. This cone-shaped horn is often filled with fruits, nuts, vegetables, and sometimes even flowers. Linda Bozzo
Why do so many people shop for cars around Thanksgiving? It's a good time to buy an autumn-mobile. Linda Bozzo
Why is Thanksgiving such a smart holiday? Because it's in Know-vermber. Linda Bozzo
What's the sleepiest thing at Thanksgiving dinner?Your nap-kin. Linda Bozzo
Which weigh more, a pound of fruit or a pound of nuts? Neither, they both weigh a pound. Linda Bozzo
What do police officers eat on Thanksgiving? Corn on the cop. Linda Bozzo
My first thought in the morning is thanksgiving. Lailah Gifty Akita
My first thought in the morning is thanksgiving. Lailah Gifty Akita
Thanksgiving is a nice thought. Lailah Gifty Akita
I know what I'm having for Thanksgiving and it ain't turkey. Anthony T. Hincks
Why wait until the first Tuesday after Thanksgiving to give. Just give a little every day and help somebody along the way. Charmaine J. Forde
Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse. Henry Van Dyke
Thanksgiving is a spiritual exercise, necessary to the building of a healthy soul. It takes us out of the stuffiness of ourselves into the fresh breeze and sunlight of the will of God. Elisabeth Elliot
Don't wait until the fourth Thursday in November, to sit with family and friends to give thanks. Make every day a day of Thanksgiving! Charmaine J Forde
Living in thanksgiving daily is a habit; we must open our hearts to love more, we must open our arms to hug more, we must open our eyes to see more and finally, we must live our lives to serve more. Farshad Asl
Thanksgiving is an attitude that must be rooted in the ‘gift of life’ if we ever hope to be thankful for the ‘gifts’ of life. Craig D. Lounsbrough
Thanksgiving is not only being aware of the abundance of good in the world but embracing it. Richelle E. Goodrich
Thanksgiving is not some formulaic action based on a tedious ledger that neatly tallies everything I have received so I can determine if being thankful is warranted or not. Rather, it’s appreciating the fact that I have already received the privilege of living life which in and of itself will fill the whole of my ledger for the whole of my life. Craig D. Lounsbrough
The purest form of thanksgiving unto God is a reflected in our knowledge and understanding about who He is, not what we receive from Him! Thanksgiving is a continuous celebration of God's awesome nature and Supreme Being! Israelmore Ayivor
It was as if God had become not only the object of my praise and thanksgiving but my creative partner as well. David Brazzeal
Thanksgiving means thanking the givers. Vikrmn