Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous
old Ambrose Bierce quotes, Ambrose Bierce sayings, and Ambrose Bierce proverbs, collected over the years from a variety
of sources.'
A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.Ambrose Bierce
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A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.Ambrose Bierce
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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.Ambrose Bierce
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A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.Ambrose Bierce
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.Ambrose Bierce
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Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.Ambrose Bierce
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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.Ambrose Bierce
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Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.Ambrose Bierce
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Monkey, an arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.Ambrose Bierce
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Lawyers are: One skilled in the circumvention of the law.Ambrose Bierce
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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.Ambrose Bierce
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Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.Ambrose Bierce
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Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.Ambrose Bierce
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Politics, noun. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.Ambrose Bierce
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Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.Ambrose Bierce
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.Ambrose Bierce
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Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.Ambrose Bierce
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Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.Ambrose Bierce
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A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit.Ambrose Bierce
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CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.Ambrose Bierce
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HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains.Ambrose Bierce
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Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.Ambrose Bierce
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Debt is an ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. Ambrose Bierce
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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.Ambrose Bierce
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ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude --a privation appealing with a particular eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or scullery maid.Ambrose Bierce
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Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something elseAmbrose Bierce
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Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.Ambrose Bierce
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Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.Ambrose Bierce
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Doubt is the father of invention.Ambrose Bierce
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Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.Ambrose Bierce