Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous
old Steven Wright quotes, Steven Wright sayings, and Steven Wright proverbs, collected over the years from a variety
of sources.'
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?Steven Wright
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.Steven Wright
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?Steven Wright
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.Steven Wright
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You can't have everything... where would you put it?Steven Wright
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.Steven Wright
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I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?Steven Wright
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.Steven Wright
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.Steven Wright
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at himSteven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Steven Wright
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?Steven Wright
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Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.Steven Wright
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.Steven Wright
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They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.Steven Wright
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?Steven Wright
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A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.Steven Wright
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Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.Steven Wright
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Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’Steven Wright
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.Steven Wright
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If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.Steven Wright
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If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.Steven Wright