Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment. But when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute. Mark Twain

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My father was a St. Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me; I do not know these nice distinctions myself. Mark Twain

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He's an animal lover... People he don't like so much. Mark Twain

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Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain

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The first man was a hypocrite and a coward, qualities which have not yet failed in his line; it is the foundation upon which all civilizations have been built. Mark Twain

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If any teacher tries to persuade you that hypocrisy is not a part of your blood and bone and flesh, and can therefore be trained out of you by determined and watchful and ceaseless and diligent application to the job, do not you heed him; ask him to cure himself first, then call again. Mark Twain

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When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

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The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain

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Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. Mark Twain

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The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s. Mark Twain

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All saints can do miracles, but few of them can keep a hotel. Mark Twain

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Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination. Mark Twain

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The secret of getting ahead is getting started. Mark Twain

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Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life. Mark Twain

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All scenery in California requires distance to give it charm. Mark Twain

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The Eagle, the scavenger bird, bird of prey — the proper symbol of royalty & nobility. Mark Twain

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Bad teeth in the colonies. A citizen told me that they don't have teeth filled, but pull them out and put in false ones and that now and then sees a young lady with a full set. Mark Twain

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Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething. Mark Twain

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A Washoe wind is by no means a trifling matter. It blows flimsy houses down, lifts shingle roofs occasionally, rolls up tin ones like sheet music, now and then blows a stage-coach over and spills the passengers; and tradition says the reason there are so many bald people there, is, that the wind blows the hair off their heads while they are looking skyward after their hats. Mark Twain

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I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Mark Twain

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Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for -- annually, not oftener -- if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Mark Twain

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Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man's side, consequently on the Lord's side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments. Mark Twain

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It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain. Mark Twain

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When in doubt, tell the truth. Mark Twain

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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain

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Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Mark Twain

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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

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We white people are merely modified Thugs; Thugs fretting under the restraints of a not very thick skin of civilization. Mark Twain

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He wrote a doctor's hand— the hand which from the beginning of time has been so disastrous to the pharmacist and so profitable to the undertaker. Mark Twain

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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished at how much he has learned in seven years. Mark Twain

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